Letters from Aunt Iquity

My dearest Ruth,

It is with great remoras that I am swimming on the beach. Really, those suckerfish are huge. I am still looking for my porpoise in life, at least hoping to find a ray of meaning. “Live each day to the fullest” — that’s always been my manta. Sometimes I flounder, but other days I have a whale of a time.

Oh, I’m such a kidder. Enough with the puns already. Anyway, just dropping you a line to say howdy. I’m doing laundry today and I hung my clothes outside on the line. It’s humid though. I was hoping my clothes would be dryer than they are by now.

Later Gator,
Iquity

Dear Aunt Iquity,

Why would your clothes become an appliance?

Yours,
Ruth

Dear Ruth,

What are you talking about?

Later Crocodile,
Iquity

Dear Aunt Iquity,

You said you wished your clothes were a dryer. A dryer is something that makes things more dry than they were. You want your clothes to be drier. A dryer makes clothes drier.

Yours,
Ruth

Dear Ruth,

I’m glad you set my mind at ease on that point. I’ve been worrying about it all week. I can breath more easily now.

Later Babe,
Iquity

Dear Aunt Iquity,

If can is a helper, why did you put a noun after it? You said, “I can breath” … that’s like saying, “I can porcupine” or “I can chihuahua.”

I believe you wanted to say, “I can breathe,” not, “I can breath.”

Sincerely,
Ruth

Dear Ruth,

Picky, aren’t we? I think your girdle is too tight. Relax, girl. Losen up.

Your distant relative,
Iquity

Dear Aunt Iquity,

Sticks and stones may break my bones, and names do hurt me sometimes. You meant loosen up, not losen up.

Affectionately yours,
Ruth

Ruth,

Can we talk about something else now? You’re driving me bonkers.

A distant relative whom you will never see again,
Iquity

Dear Aunt Iquity,

Yes we may.

Yours,
Ruth

Dear Ruth,

Arrrrrrrg!

Iquity