MC: “Good evening folks, it’s time once again for that delectable morsel of entertainment, the sauerkraut on your Reuben sandwich, What’s Your Metaphor? On tonight’s show we have as our special guest the one and only Aunt Ruth, the leg of lamb herself, the creme’ de la creme, the marshmallow in your steeping cup of hot chocolate that is a divine nectar to your throat on a howling winter’s eve in which snow fell with the fury of a squadron of 1975 Dodge Darts flying across the country in a remake of Friends of Eddie Coyle. Aunt Ruth, how are you on this rhino of an evening?”
AR: “I’m fine, MC, just fine. Other than your bizarrely excessive use of metaphors, how are you?”
MC: “I’m as good as a Boy Scout holding a royal flush.”
AR: “That’s a simile because you used as. Remember, using like, as, or than will, more often than not, result in a simile.”
MC: “Oh, uh, right. Can you remind our stellar audience how this could be made into a general metaphor?”
AR: “If you had said, ‘I’m a Boy Scout holding a royal flush,’ then that would have been a good old fashioned metaphor. Remember, though, that a simile is indeed a metaphor.”
MC: “Right. Aren’t all metaphors similes, or something like that?”
AR: “No, not quite. All similes are metaphors, but not all metaphors are similes.”
MC: “All … wait, how am I going to remember that?”
AR: “Think about tubas and brass instruments.”
MC: “Tubas?”
AR: “Tubas … now, are all brass instruments tubas?”
MC: “Certainly not. Some brass instruments are euphoniums; some brass instruments are trumpets; some brass instruments are trombones; some brass instruments are french horns; some brass instruments are …”
AR: “That’s quite enough. You are a walking dictionary of brass instruments, apparently. Now, are all tubas brass instruments, for purposes of this discussion?”
MC: “Well, yes.”
AR: “So there you have it.”
MC: “There I have what?”
AR: “There you have the answer. Just like all tubas are brass instruments, but not all brass instruments are tubas, it’s also the case that all similes are metaphors, but not all metaphors are similes.”
MC: “I see, I think.”
AR: “Think of it this way. Tubas are similes.
MC: “Tubas are similes. Got it.”
AR: “And the brass instruments are metaphors.”
MC: “Brass instruments are metaphors. Got it.”
AR: “So, by saying, ‘Tubas are similes,’ you are using tubas as a metaphor for similes.”
MC: “So a tuba is a metaphor for a simile?”
AR: “That’s not all. Remember the thing about chihuahuas and dogs?”
MC: “Where all chihuahuas are dogs but not all dogs are chihuahuas?”
AR: “Right. What does that tell you?”
MC: “If I said, ‘A tuba is a chihuahua of dogs,’ then I could say that a tuba is a metaphor for a chihuahua?”
AR: “Bingo. Now, what do you think about that?”
MC: “Well, technically it makes sense, but it’s not intuitive to me.”
AR: “Why not?”
MC: “Tubas are big and heavy and have a deep sound. Chihuahuas are small and light and bark like a canary with a sore throat.”
AR: “So in other words, folks, not all metaphors are effective. The metaphor should make sense; it should create an image for the reader or listener that emphasizes certain attributes, an image that gives the reader or listener a nice visualization.”
MC: “For example, if you want to emphasize that the man ate a huge amount of ice cream, could you say something like, ‘The waiter brought the man an olympic sized swimming pool full of ice cream, and before you could say, “She sells seashells by the seashore,” he had eaten all of it in its glorious entirety.’ How’s that?”
AR: “Well, the seashell thing is a bit much, but I guess it gets the point across.”
MC: “Thank you for your time, Aunt Ruth. Remember, folks, make your metaphors meaningful. Tuba players, drop the chihuahuas. Until next week, this is your show’s emcee, MC, a billion points of light coming at you.”
AR: “Sigh.”
MC: “Pardon?”
AR: “Oh, never mind …”
